Determined

Songs that help say who I am

2006-07-24T18:13:00.000-07:00

Let's begin with my list of songs. Some may be self explanatory.
Just like a pill - Pink
Ironic - Alanis
Confessions -Usher
Still the one - ?
Roughneck - MC Lyte
We belong together - Mariah
My eyes don't cry no more - Stevie Wonder
Stick with you - Pussycat Dolls
You oughta know- Alanis

Let's begin by saying that I can be a very loving person, who loves hard, and unfortunately sometimes too long. I am also the type of person who can be quite bitter, vindictive, and spiteful. I''ve had some good relationships and some crushing relationships, and no matter what the outcome, I try to learn something from each experience. The problem lies with being just as stupid coming out of a relationship as you were going in.
The above songs represents different times in my life that have made a impact on who I am today. For instance, there are a few songs that represent the father of my son , Robert, who was also my first love. Take "Roughneck" by MC Lyte for example, she talks about how this man was straight from the streets with a don't even try it attitude. Which for me was an instant attraction, considering I was the youngest of six children, and five of them being girls. My father kept a very close eye on who we spent our time with, or should I say making sure who we didn't spend our time with. Good girl and bad boy, it was fate. In the words of Mariah, I really thought that "We belonged together".
The songs "You oughta know" by Alanis Morrisette, and "Confessions" by Usher go hand and hand with one event that happen in my life. My son's father cheated on me and just happen to get her pregnant. Needless to say, our relationship had to end. He told me that "he'd love until he died and he is still alive" (Alanis ). It took me quite awhile to heal but in the process it harden me. Which still shines through presently, because although I love my fiance' dearly, I never plan on allowing him to hurt me that deeply.
Which brought the artist, Pink, into my line up of lyrics. "Just like a Pill" is what Robert has the tendency to mean to me. "Instead of making me better, he's making me ill".
Now, my fiance', Jason, represents some of my other song selections. Being an interracial couple meant that we had to prepare for the staring, the snickering and the questioning. Which wasn't so much a problem for me because usually I don't give two shits about what people think of my relationship, but Jason on the other hand was faced with opposition from his parents and wasn't sure on how he should face them with the news our engagement of cohabitation. Which brings me to "Still the One". I may not be sure about who the artist is, but I am sure that some of the lyrics are dead on about some of my feelings.. There is a line that says "I'm so glad we made it, look how far we've come my baby. We kinda took the long way, but I knew we'd get there some day. They said, I bet, they'll never make it, but look at us holding on. Still together, still going strong". This song could be my theme song, and I plan on playing it at our wedding, just for the doubters. Along with "Stick With You" by the Pussycat Dolls. Because although we may argue from time to time, we compliment each other, and that brings out the best in the both of us.
I bet you are wondering where "My Eyes Don't Cry No More" by Stevie Wonder fits into all of this. Well, I'll tell you. Simply, when I go out to the bar and there's dancing or to a wedding, I like to do the hustle.

Open Blog in place of in-class writing for 7-07-06

2006-07-17T19:00:00.000-07:00

Exercise, diet, binge, purge, and of course, pills.
We use so many methods to shed the sixty pounds that we gained over the past seven years, and we try to do this in seven weeks. Yet, we never make it to seven weeks because we are discouraged by week three. The pounds are not falling off as fast as we hoped and we proceed to indulge in our depression foods, elephant ears at the fair, ice cream, and the biggest pleasure of them all, chocolate ( any kind will do).
I have been battling with my weight for six years. I tried pills, until they took Ephedra away, purging ( not puking, it rots your teeth), and exercise, until my routine is interrupted by late nights at work, and I'm no longer motivated. Then I wear a pair of jeans to work and my circulation is cut off after lunch. Or, I look for new clothes and the size I try on is just a little bit more snug then the outfit I wore to the store, even though the sizes are the same. I come to the realization that I've stretched my pants to their maximum capacity and new pants are not as flexible in my endeavors.
I also have to listen to my friends that are bordering anorexia complain about how huge they are and how they have a "J-Lo booty", and then follow it up by lying to me and saying "you look great". Bullshit! Until I am one of them again, I hate skinny people.
What's my plan this time around on the lose weight merry-go-round. I am eating from smaller plates, going to the gym right after work so that my fiance' nor myself can talk me out of walking three miles, and not treating myself to calorie loaded, fat storing foods unless I've lost fifteen pounds, and this is per fifteen pounds.
It's saddening to be happy while you take a picture, but become totally disgusted with yourself when you have them developed and rolls you can't even reach in the shower are staring you in the face.
It's going to take a crap load of will power and encouragement from myself to reach my goal of losing seventy pounds. I'll just have to pass on the cake at the retirement party, walk to CVS across the street versus jumping in my vehicle, make that afternoon snack a piece of fruit or granola bar, and eat slowly so that my body can react to being full/satisfied before I have to unbutton my jeans in order to breath.
Therefore, the next time I feel the need to cheat, I'll remind myself that my thighs are not courting each other and should not have to touch with every step.

Reading for July 7, 2006 Katz

2006-07-07T10:33:00.000-07:00

Pets taking the place of human contact and socialization. How can there even be a comparison? Sure dogs will not yell at you for forgetting to take out the cans on garbage day, but they will be the one that go through the cans and cause more clean up. They are just as much work as having a child. You have to make sure they are fed, find them a dog-sitter if you are going out, make sure they see a doctor, and show them affection on a daily basis, which they do not know how to understand that do you do not wish to pet them for hours on end.
Not to say that pets do not serve a valuable purpose, but if there was as much effort into nurturing and taking care of children and mates, maybe it wouldn't be so hard to love someone of your own species.
Those who believe that "dog love is safer", have given up on finding a homo-sapien that can give them a magnitzed version of companionship.
I have a fiance', but I am also a dog owner, and although my fiance' makes me want to be single every now and then, I could not imagine trading our time to only be spent with a canine(s).

Pages 260-307

2006-06-27T10:58:00.000-07:00

Thank goodness for relationships.
Rules of dating. Why does this have to be so complicated? Why should it be such a big deal pertaining to the man asking the woman out, and knowing the color of her eyes on the first date? Doesn't this take away from focusing on showing who you really are? When the wooing is done, and she finds out that you could care less about what's her favorite movie, the relationship takes on a new life of questioning things such as, " why don't you buy me flowers anymore, and "can you please pick up after yourself?
Reading through Samantha Daniels, 20 Simple Tips for the Perfect Date, made me happy that I've been in relationship for 11 years, because I would probably break quite a few of her rules without giving it a thought on what impression I may be giving to my date.
There are so many aspects in our lives that force us to restrain from showing people who we really are. We have to be professional in the workplace, and God fearing around the congregation. Why shouldn't we show someone we want to get to know better our quirks from the start of the dating process. After all, would you continue to date someone who picked their toes at the dinner table? Why should you have to wait five weeks to find out that this person isn't right for you.
I say, show him what you look like without make up, and if he sticks around anyway, you may just have a keeper.

In class writing June 20, 2006

2006-06-20T16:34:00.000-07:00

Disturbing, is one of the best ways to describe the film "Tarnation" by Jonathan Cauolette. Partly, because from puberty he decided that he wanted to record his life, no matter how depressing, hurtful, abusive, confusing, or brain damaging it may have been.
Practically, from birth, Jonathan had to endure / experience some of the worst things anyone could imagine. His mother was viewed as a mental patient. Foster care abused him physically, which had to affect him mentally. He didn't have any real structure from his grandparents, who obviously did not know how to place the best interest of a child above their own stupidity. After all, they thought shocking their daughter wasn't harmful. Yet, through all this he found a way to make sure that he captured the world he lived in on VHS.
Watching Tarnation made me think of the people you see on the street in downtown Detroit, and around Comerica Park. What happened in their lives that made them possibly "lose their minds". What events in their lives drove them to a life of being viewed as disturbed, or in need of psychiatric help? Why weren't they strong enough to handle the strain of living? What happened to their support system, or was it the lack of one that assisted in their current state of being?
Furthermore, what keeps me sane enough to function in my day to day life without going in and out of mental institutions. I can think of a few things that could have drove me over the edge. Such as, the death of my father, who died when I was sixteen. (My mother died when I was two, I have no memories of her, just pictures). I was "Daddy's Little Girl" even though I had four other sisters, but I'm the baby and that's what count. Although, I do recall having a small meltdown after his death, but I recovered after a month. Maybe it should of been the probing eyes of older men that always made me feel dirty that should have driven me straight to psychic ward.
This movie shows that some of us are stronger than others. That no matter what life may throw at some of us, there will be those that land on their feet. Although it may not come off as strength in the film. It took a lot of strength on Jonathon's part to create the film.

Open Blog June 20, 2006

2006-06-20T08:57:00.001-07:00

There's this saying that constantly makes you re-evaulate your life. Makes you realize that you may be taking people, events, and life itself for granted. Makes you call your siblings and parents just to tell them that you love them.
These words of enlightenment are, "you never know what you have until it's gone".
I have found this to be true within the last week, and it's taking its' toll on me. My work flow coordinator past away on the sixth of this month, and I truly realize how much she contributed to our daily activities in the workplace. It made me realize that cross training among the teams needed to be performed, and that it's not good business to allow so few people to hold all the knowldege. Because you'll find yourself doing long hours and scrambling to find someone to help fill in on some of the task that need to be done. Unfortunately, some of my fellow co-workers aren't seeing their jobs as a blessing. They continue to utter things such as, "they do not pay me enough to do this", "it's not my job", and my personal favorite, "why can't you have someone else do it?"
I've also found out that having a job can fall under the spell of the above saying. I know too many friends and family members that have lost their jobs, and are having a very hard time finding new ones. I may not make Donald Trump money, but I am one of the luck ones these days. I have decent benefits, vacation time, flextime, and best of all, a paycheck.
What ever happen to work ethics? When I wake up each morning to go to work, I get up with the intention to give my place of employment the best I have that day. No matter what my mood may be, or having to pick up the slack of fellow co-workers, I know that I gave it a 110% each day.
I may be tooting my own horn just a bit, but who else is going plays this instrument?

Week 6 Reading Bowing Out - Ana Castillo

2006-06-13T11:28:00.000-07:00

"Mom, I'm home. " "Mom I've made it to Michaels."
These are just a few of the daily snippets of conversation that my son and I share. It has become routine and yes, a tradition for us to do things a certain way, each day, so that I don't have to worry about where he is, or if he made it home okay. This isn't just tradition, it's a type of respect that we have among one another. Which is possibly why some tradition are formed.
When I was in the Virginia, we always had to say "yes/no ma'am and yes/no sir". My aunts and uncles always had to be addresses as "Uncle Charlie and Aunt Helen", which is something my siblings and I have instilled in our children.
Castillo reminded me of the relationship that I share with my soon-to-be 15 year old, and how others share some of the same rituals that I do. We have made it a point to not end any kind of communication without saying" I love you". If he is at home, I always get a kiss good night. Even if he is spending the night at someone's house, he has made it a habit to call me and tell me goodnight and that he loves me.
Traditions and practices, help give us a sense of family, community, and friendship. They help establish what parts of our lives mean something extra to us, and what routine can we put in place that will assist us in making sure this is fulfilled.
Personally, I like traditions because it gives people the chance to feel special, and they also provide a reason for people to get together. Birthdays, anniversaries, weddings and family reunions.
One day my son was upset that I did not allow him to go to a party, and when I dropped him off at school, he got out of the car without saying he loved me, or kissing me goodbye. When I got home from work that day, there was a note on the counter that expressed how sorry he was for not doing the above things, and that he would never leave me on those terms again.
Tradition at its' finest.

In class writing - Communities

2006-06-06T16:30:00.000-07:00

To what extent do the social networks we belong to shape our social identity?

My network of people include individuals with goals, likes, and extracurricular activities that are similar to mine, but it also includes people that I feel I can learn from, and mentor. There are some who see me as this outgoing, direct, and social being, while there are others who view me as someone who is ALL business, no tolerance for disobeying policy, and a hardworker.
The above is due in part to the persona I display when I am in the surroundings of certain people. I've learned to adjust the view I give to others partly because, being a manager, there are attitudes that I can and cannot put upon my staff, and there are people who are not around me in that capacity, that are open to what I call my true demeanor.
I can relate to the life of the Amish from the reading of Hostetler, The Amish Chapter, to the way I structure my work environment. There is a dress code that has to be followed. We have privacy issues, therefore, anything that is going on within the company is forbidden to be discussed with others. Also, disobedience or failure to follow policy can result in corrective measures, which include termination from the company (excommunication).
These are things that I enforce, and must adhere to, seeing as I need to lead by example and this policies also apply to me.
Whereas, my social environment is where I get to vent all my woes of the world, without the repercussions that I have lingering over my head for 50 hours a week. I'm in the surroundings of people who chose to spend their time with me, oppose to those, who do it for a paycheck.
I am a social being by nature. I love interacting with others, which helps me in my current job as a manager. Yet, communicating online is not really my cup of tea. I enjoy face-to-face interaction, because I have no issues with being straightforward, and it bothers me when I cannot see the facial expression and body language of who I'm addressing.
I like for people to see me for who I am, so that there is no time wasted by pretending to fit into this alternate reality where I have to remember what personality to bring to the table.
We lose so much time trying to fit into what will make us accepted by others that we forget and disregard the things that are truly important to us.
I am sure that my network of friends and associates are not always in agreement with what I may say or do, but they respect my decisions to do and say them.
In order to keep my job and advance in the company, I have responsibilities that I have to complete, and rules that I have to abide by. This shapes my identity to my coworkers, my direct reports, and my bosses.
In the rest of my world, I have more of a say of what view of me I want to give to others. Not everyone is as understanding as the people I choose to call and hang out with, but like I said before, no time is wasted in that alternate reality.

Reading pgs 127-172

2006-06-06T12:28:00.000-07:00

The Land of the Setting Sun

You work hard for 35-45 years, just to reach that point in your life where you can sit back and take in all the wonders of the world, and observe what you've gained by working towards this goal. If this vision included a community where there are others who share this common desire, why not jump at the opportunity to coexist with those that have similar lifestyles.
The assumption has been that older people (over 55 and/or retired) are very set in their ways and like for things to be neat and organized, without the hustle of everyday life from those who are getting children on the bus, and getting themselves off to work. They also like to get up early and get dressed, even if they are not going anywhere. They are preparing to go to bed by 6:30 pm., because dinner was prepared and eaten by 5:00 p.m.
The residents of Sun City moved there because they have certain expectations and the area provided an environment that catered to their wants. The city fits into the vision of what a retirement community should look like. Activities that keep the residents active and productive, because they were most likely some of the hardest working people at their jobs, and they are use to contributing in some fashion. The residents are with people who are most like them.
The bonus to all this is, that the members of the community are not made to feel as though this is a place for them to wait to die, it's a place where they can begin to really enjoy life at their own pace. People aren't driving down the street with the music loud. Kids are there to visit not to live and alarms are not going off to signal it's time to work, but to indicate that it's time to truly live.
These communities are great for the older generation. It keeps them vibrant, alert, and involved. Otherwise, the younger generation would be preparing to divvy up the inheritance.

Remix reading pgs 84-126

2006-05-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

Have you ever started a new job and while preparing your workstation, you decided to get ideas from the other workstations of how you may want your workstation to be setup?
This is a form of assismilation, to absorb another culture, group, etc.
We may say that we are free thinkers and that we do not conform to the likes of others, but we have a tendency to incorporate these likes and beliefs of others into our daily lives without giving it a conscious thought that we are doing it. We ask where someone bought there shoes? What manufacturer did they choose for their windows? Even, what is the best way to cook a certain dish?
Whether we purposely try to "fit in", or if we are just finding a better way of getting through a task. We are in some form assimilating something or someone. Sometimes there is no way to get around it. For example, the new housing developments that are popping up everywhere. The associations expect the occupants to adhere to a certain uniformity, such as, no dramatic differences in the house set up that may take away from the overall look of the houses, and mailboxes that are identical.
This is all related to how we infuse our lifestyles to coincide with those around us. There has been a few occassions that I've been told that I act like a white person, because of who my fiance' is, and my variety of friends. As if, allowing the dog to sleep in the bed is only something that white people are known for doing, or that black people should not camp, or go tubing.
Assimilation does not have to be seen as something that is negative. It opens the door to experience activities and characteristics that may have been overlooked if we did not say "what the hell, what's the harm in trying it out".
Rodriguez spoke of being Chinese, because he lived in a Chinese city and he wanted to be Chinese. I interpreted this to mean that he was around that way of living and therefore, identifed with the culture, and wanted to incorporate it into how he wanted to live.
Personally, I just want to put aside all the things that people focus on that make us different, and embrace the differences that make us the same. We all have things that we value, and hopefully some type of morals that are developed through our families and friends. We should not use these things to separate us from others, but as tools to help us understand those who live by different values and morals.
I like going out on the boat, camping in tents, and even going up north for the weekend. If this makes me an absorber of a culture that is not my own, I'm cool with that. What kind of a melting pot would we be, if no one ever stirred up the contents?

In class writing #1

2006-05-23T16:58:00.000-07:00

Some of us our developed and grow into what we are and how we see ourselves by others who make the choice for us on how we should live and what we should be.
We are told to always be courteous to others and to turn the other cheek. Yet, people such as myself, are only courteous to those I feel are deserving, and turning the other cheek, is not close to who I am.
Growing up I was told that if I did not want people to run over me and treat me with disrespect, that I needed to stand up for myself and what I thought to be right. I am a firm believer that you will need to stand up for something, or you will fall for anything. Therefore, when the people we look to for guidance give us the direction they feel we need to go in, or share their beliefs with us, we tend to take on those characteristics, and shall I say mimic their identity. Yet, how do we come to know who we want to be, or how we want to present ourselves to the world?
My answer. Start challenging some of these beliefs and words of wisdom, or even stereotypes. I was told that people would not accept my relationship with my fiance' (Caucasian with an African-American), but I do not need their acceptance. We I go home at night, I don't care about whether others accept who I am planning to marry. I care about making sure my son is okay with school and his athletics, putting on coffee for my fiance', who works midnights, and letting the dog out.
Nietzsche points out how we are part of group, whether it be our family, our co-workers, or bowling league, that influence our thoughts and actions.
Which goes alongside our other readings that touch on things such as what we wear, how we are seen in terms of race by others, and what we are willing to do in order to fit in, like change our name.
Notions of leaders and followers in our digital age can be both complicated and maybe not so much. You have the leaders that believe that in order for us to grow we have to change with the times and conform to the forever evolving world around us. Which keeps us competitive. It has created easy access to kiddy porn, and a new improved way to steal identity. While some of your followers may be thinking that by the time they are up to speed on what's happening, there is a newer way that needs to be learned and require more of their time and effort. Yet, our leaders are thinking of these people and putting all sorts of help guides and "go-to's" to help make the transition.
Which one am I? Both. You never stop learning.

Reading Latterell pgs 49-83 Week 3

2006-05-23T08:14:00.000-07:00

I walked into a courthouse this past February, and placed my keys in a tray, and my purse on the conveyor belt to be scanned. After walking through the metal detector, the guard confirmed that it was okay for me to proceed with my business in the building. The next guard who was directing those who were unaware of where the rooms were located, proceeded to ask me if I was a lawyer. My first thought was, why would you ask me that? The answer came to me after I made it to my destination. Friend of the Court. I was dressed in a blue business suit, with blue pumps and my over the shoulder business bag. While most of the other plaintiffs and defendants were dressed in blue jeans and Dickie's.
It surprised me to see how lightly others took on the task of creating a case for child support, or reason why they should not pay any, but it also surprised me that I was seen as an attorney because of my appearance.
I've noticed that I have a tendency to judge others by their appearance, and I am a huge advocate against stereotypes.
My son likes to wear sagging jeans, jersey's and hoodie's, but when I see strangers, black, white or indifferent, I catch myself wondering if they are trouble makers, or thugs. Even when I know my son isn't either and just wants to be looked upon as someone who is in style.
I also assume that when I walk into another department at work, that the person that is wearing business attire is in charge, until I look at the fact that I wear jeans when I know I will be in production, and I currently manage 18 people.
There is a guy I know, who has Prada glasses. He had to tell me what the brand was, because I do not keep up with the so called latest styles and designers, and to me glasses were to keep me from running into walls. These glasses were $500 for the frames only. Why are some people so concerned with keeping up with the styles that are so expensive, and give the false impression that they can actually afford to wear the same items that celebrities and entrepreneurs purchase without having to work three jobs?
Have we been so busy trying to follow the fashion crowd, that we risk being uncomfortable do that others see us as someone other that who really are?
I have no issue picking up my child in pajamas, because I want people to have the impression that I refuse to be anything other than me. If they can't accept that, my favorite store is Kohl's if they wish to dress me.

Reading - Latterell pgs2-48

2006-05-15T17:14:00.000-07:00

What do the two episodes she relates reveal about the ways cultural assumptions shape or affect an individual's gender identity?

Women have been constantly reminded, that if they want to be fit into the image of what a "real" woman looks like, they have to wear make up, wear clothes that accentuate their curves, act like a lady (whatever that is), and have hairstyles that undoubtedly shows people that she is a female and proud of it.
Personally, unless I 'm at work, where business casual is required, I feel most comfortable with nylon Adidas pants and a sweatshirt, complimented by a baseball cap. Which has caused a few people at drive thru restaurants to call me "sir".
What amazes me is, that no matter how little money someone may have, they will find a way to purchase "beauty" items. As if going a day or two without eyeliner or shaving is going to totally bring chaos to their persona.
Another revelation that I've made is how the type of outfit and hairstyle we choose, automatically makes people assume whether you are gay or straight, rich or poor, and promiscuous or "Mrs. Olsen". We have made ourselves accept certain looks for different types of people (male or female).
If males can have long hair (Kid Rock), and not be called "girlish", why can't females shave their heads (Sinnead O'Connor) without being told they look like a boy. Unfortunately, not all females have the ability to grow long, shiny and highlighted hair. This is where extensions become a profitable item. If you don't know what extensions are, here's a synopsis: the adding of hair, synthetic or human, in order to maximize length. These extensions come in a variety of styles, textures and colors, and of course, nothing makes you feel more like a woman than long flowing hair.
We spend a lot of time and energy proving to the world that we are feminine/masculine, when in the end, the world creates its' own opinion on whether we fit the criteria.
Maybe a tattoo on our foreheads will cut back on the confusion. Not !

The path to improvement

2006-05-14T20:03:00.000-07:00

This is the beginning of my next journey into improvement. I've waited to long to begin on this path again, and now is the time to finish.